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On Spinning Up Fear, Or, My Crazy Is Crazier Than Your Crazy November 2, 2008

Filed under: Captain Queeg,Humor,Satire,Snark — fakeconsultant @ 1:17 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

There are but three days to go, Gentle Reader, and the McCain campaign is now down to fear and Joe The Plumber.

Those who seek to spread The Fear are resorting to fantastic schemes and amazing leaps of logic in an effort to find something to make The Fear rise in voters.

But to be honest, the crazy speculation lacks…imagination.

I believe I can present crazy speculation that is at least as interesting as what they’ve put out—and funnier to boot—and with that and the Halloween just past in mind we present the final weekend edition of the 2008 campaign cycle’s blogging.

So, ya wanna hear a few debunked made up rumors that, frankly, have a lot more creative style?

Here’s a good one, to get things started: Obama does not plan to increase employment by having the Department of Health and Human Services purchase hundreds of mobile medical vans that he will staff with pro-choice doctors and nurses so they can drive around the country and perform mobile abortions by night while teaching sex education to kindergarteners by day.

The rumor that <a href=”″>Nicholas Sarkozy</a> is planning to resign as President of France so that he can become Governor of West Virginia after Obama renames it West By God France is, sadly, untrue.

Obama will not rip off a fake rubber head on Inauguration Day and reveal himself to actually be Osama Bin-Laden…or one of the Clintons.

Obama is not planning to create a secret Mexico – USA – Canada “<a href=”″>Underground Railroad</a>” so that he can deport all the white people to evacuation camps outside the USA…”for their own safety”…and then sell American Citizenships—and the white people’s former houses–to his millions of foreign campaign donors.

Obama’s education policy is <em>not</em> to change the name of every American primary school to William Ayres Elementary.

There are no plans to change Christmas into a secular holiday called “Reverend Wright Day”.

It turns out that the rapidly developing operational concepts that are to be put in place during the transition to turn all Federal buildings and installations into mosques that actually serve as processing centers for the plan to turn all Non-Muslim Infidels into Soylent Green that will be donated to hungry Iranian children are, in fact, only rumors.

<blockquote>“A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.”

–<a href=””>George Bernard Shaw</a></blockquote>

Sarah Palin is not acting that way to fool John McCain so that she can take over…<a href=””>Captain Queeg</a> style… if they win.

Tina Fey is not doing all Sarah Palin’s public appearances from the same Area 51 soundstage that was used to stage the moon landings. (In fairness, that one’s <em>almost</em> true. She’s actually using a different one.)

No matter what it says in that one email you received, in an Obama Administration Boy Scouts will not be able to earn merit badges by marrying gay couples.

<a href=””>Kang and Kodos</a> are not on the way to Washington to lobby the new President for leniency for the <em>real</em> illegal aliens.

Despite what some people might suspect, the Obama campaign is not running a secret whisper campaign intimating that Joe The Plumber was, for two years, the seventh member of <a href=””>The Village People</a>.

Barack Obama’s staff, The <a href=””>Secretariat of the United Nations</a>, the Zionist Jews, (represented by the <a href=”″>Bilderberger Club</a>), the US Defense Department’s <a href=””>Institute of Heraldry</a>, the <a href=””>European Commission</a>, and Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi of <a href=””>Libya</a&gt; are not meeting in Geneva to figure out how to change the US, UN, Israeli, and European flags by replacing the stars (or the wreath, depending on the flag) with the crescent of Islam in time for the Inauguration.

Nobody is planning on making all dog food out of grain-based products in order to advance the vegetarian agenda…or at least, not that “I <em>know</em> of”.

Now look, folks, all of this is fun for a Sunday, but there is a bigger message: things that are just as foolish as what you are hearing here are being spread—and <a href=””>not just</a> in the Presidential race—and I’m here to suggest that if you hear some of their foolishness, you can reply with some of this, as a means of using absurd to “out” absurd.

Have fun with it…invent the wildest rumors possible…and if someone gives you that “hey, they might be right…” look, stare ‘em right in the eye and ask: “my friends, if you can believe this load of numbnuttery…I know someone who’s looking to unload a slightly used Palin Barbie…with all the clothes and accessories included…no reasonable offer refused…”

Then watch the looks on the faces of the other voters…in the big line you’re all waiting in…and smile just a bit, inside, because you know you’ve done your good deed for the day.