So Arizona Senator Jon Kyl went and did a stupid thing the other day by claiming on the floor of the Senate that 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is related to abortions, and that, by God, we need to cut that Federal funding for abortions, and we need to cut all Federal funding for Planned Parenthood—and we need to do it today.
Of course, that 90% claim was total hooey; it turns out that only 3% of Planned Parenthood’s work relates to abortions. (The Federal funding for abortions part is, too; the Hyde Amendment made such funding illegal decades ago.)
When confronted, Kyl’s office released a statement claiming the Senator’s comments were “not intended to be a factual statement”.
Sir Rev. Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, decided to have a bit of fun with Kyl, and he challenged his audience to Tweet their own “Not Intended To Be A Factual Statement” about Kyl.
I decided to compose a Tweet of my own…and then another…and before I knew it I had an entire story’s worth; that’s why, today, we’ll be taking a taking a short break from the daily grind to have a bit of fun with a man who truly deserves it: Jon Kyl.
…I decided to celebrate Jon Kyl’s ground-breaking excystplanation last night by tweeting round-the-clock nonfacts about him:
“For the past ten years Jon Kyl has been two children in a very convincing Jon Kyl suit” and “Jon Kyl calls all Asians ‘Neil’ no matter what their name is”.
Both of which would be libelous if I hadn’t added the hashtag notintendedtobeafactualstatement.
Well, Nation, you picked this up and ran with it, using my hashtag to tweet your own nonfacts as an uprece-tweeted rate of 46 per minute!
Which, incidentally, is the rate at which Jon Kyl catapults puppies into the sea.
–Stephen Colbert, speaking on the “Colbert Report”, Wednesday, Apr 13, 2011
So I did a bit of math, and if Colbert is correct about that “46 a minute” thing then about 65,000 tweets went up in the 24 hours following his announcement, and they’re still going up fast; check out #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement at Twitter to get a feel for what I’m talking about.
Two Tweets by other writers sort of “bookmark” the types of missives that have been presented; Ben Cobb, writing as @MoltenPanther, Tweeted…
Jon Kyl started a squirrel farm to form a massive squirrel army in preparation for the coming apocalypse.
…and John Q, writing as @PencilName, wrote:
During an emergency, Jon Kyl can be used as a flotation device.
So with that in mind, here’s a few of my #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement submissions:
Jon Kyl’s head once served as a landing light for Senator James Inhofe at the Eufala, Alabama airport.
Jon Kyl listens to Radio Disney–and doesn’t know those are cover songs.
Jon Kyl likes KFC better than Popeye’s.
It used to be John Kyl…but he lost the “h” in 1979 after a night of drinking, and now he can’t find it.
“The KylBot AZ Mark II v.3.6505 is experiencing software malfunctions. Please try again later…”
Kyl’s head brushed against Trump’s hair on an airport runway last night. 450 passengers aboard, 0 injured.
On Saturday nights, John Kyl likes to dress up as a giant pretzel and get “stuffed in an M&M”
Why is Kyl so crazy? He gets 5 cents per page view every time he’s in The Onion–and he needs the money.
Jon Kyl once caught Larry Craig eating Cheeze Whiz right out of the can.
Jon Kyl once impersonated Flip Wilson so he could appear in the movie “Uptown Saturday Night”.
The most popular strain of medicinal marijuana in the United States today is “Jon Kyl”.
Jon Kyl can see Russia from his house.
Jon Kyl’s Malcolm X poster is covered by a Robert Mapplethorpe poster…so that no one will ever know…
Jon Kyl once snorted coke, but the bubbles really hurt his nose.
215,856 of Jon Kyl’s constituents signed a petition asking him to start smoking.
Jon Kyl’s iPhone has a dial.
Joe Arpaio is blackmailing Kyl with whatever’s on his original birth certificate.
I know where Lemmywinks is tonight–and so does Jon Kyl’s colon.
If Jon Kyl was a chicken-fried steak at Denny’s he would give you diarrhea the next morning.
Jon Kyl’s skull recently committed suicide. It was leading an empty life.
Jon Kyl never got that “Mulva” joke.
Powdered Toast Man once told Jon Kyl to go butter himself.
Jon Kyl once tried phone sex, but he didn’t have enough lube, so he had to quit.
Jon Kyl’s favorite kink is to dress up like a fence and play “Border Crossing”.
From 1977 to 1981, Jon Kyl appeared onstage as Tommy Chong. Cheech Marin was never told of the deception.
Jon Kyl used whiffleball bats for his entire Major League Baseball career.
On his days off, Kyl plays Carl on “Aqua Teen Hunger Force”.
Jon Kyl provides sanctuary for up to 800 illegal immigrants at a time in his at-home underground bunkers.
Wendy Williams’ wig head Shakeetha has a restraining order out on Jon Kyl.
Jon Kyl once had Hansen’s Disease–but then he got his “Mmm Bop” removed.
If Jon Kyl was in “Star Wars” he’d be known as Luke NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement-Walker.
Jon Kyl’s Danny has never met its Dingo.
Jon Kyl once tried to Baskin his Robbins.
Jon Kyl’s brain has seen the news reports, and now it doesn’t want to come back from vacation.
Every defibrillator in Arizona recently signed a letter refusing to revive Jon Kyl.
If John Boehner’s tears ever touch Jon Kyl, he’ll dissolve.
So there you go: now that we’ve started the day out with a bit of fun, why not waste a bit of your boss’ time and direct a few Tweets of your own to Kyl?
And don’t forget: be smart, be funny, and be sure to add #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement to those Tweets—because after all, you don’t want to be out committing libel now, do you?